Reality check
8/31/16
was the date I saw him!
I wrote this a couple days after a true experience, after seeing someone that I used to love (I'll call him A).
I wrote this a couple days after a true experience, after seeing someone that I used to love (I'll call him A).
Dear A,
I hadn’t/haven’t thought about you in months, and then all of sudden, BAM there you were. In the flesh, I saw you for real today. You walked right past me, twice! Your name suspended on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to call out to you, I wanted to, more than anything. It took every ounce of my willpower to remain quiet and not say your name. You would've heard me even if I didn’t yell. You were that close to me. I thought for sure the pounding of my heart would give me away. I wanted to lean forward and whisper your name. Perhaps I should have. I wanted you to turn towards the sound and smile when you saw it was me, for real. To see me in the flesh, within an arm’s reach of you. To watch your eyes light up as you recognized me. I wanted to go to you, to hug you, and to kiss you. I wanted to show you how sorry I was. For everything and to let you know I would never let you go again. It was then that I remembered that you hate me, and that you don’t want to see me, or talk to me ever. EVER. I wanted to cry, but I was strong (or was it weak) and I didn't. Not on the outside anyway. My heart was so sad in that moment. As my head and heart struggled, I watched you, I couldn't stop myself. Watched you circling the arena, speaking to your cohorts and other people – I was so jealous then. Jealous that it wasn’t me you were speaking to. I was angry. Angry at myself for NOT following my heart the very first time we talked and for not rushing to meet you. Angry that even then at that moment, I didn’t have the courage to make myself visible to you. Frustrated at the way I, no, at the way we handled our disconnection. Mostly, I was very sad, heartbroken even. I watched you take your seat in the arena, and I watched as you proceeded to tweet your tweets, and snap your snaps. I was enthralled with watching you. Memorizing every detail of that moment, from your facial expressions to the clothes you wore. Wondering if you were wearing any cologne, or if you had some of your crazy socks on, or how you were doing, or if things were going well in your life, if you'd watched any good TV shows, or movies, on and on these thoughts and many more rushed through my head. I was consumed with thoughts of you. Lastly, I wondered if you’d thought about me at all, even once, and I found myself hoping/wishing that you have/had. I also realized that I had forgiven you long ago. And I hadn’t realized how much I missed you. Even though we weren’t friends for long, I thought of you as a good friend, and I missed (no, I miss) you.
It’s not often that I’ve come across people in my life who speak the same language as I do, who like the same things, and are passionate about them. You know the ones, they're the ones who should be, no who we're meant to be forever friends with, the kindred spirits, and my anam cara.
I am so sorry for any pain and or heartache I have ever caused you. I only want the best for you. I hope you can (or already have) find it in your heart to forgive me.
I hadn’t/haven’t thought about you in months, and then all of sudden, BAM there you were. In the flesh, I saw you for real today. You walked right past me, twice! Your name suspended on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to call out to you, I wanted to, more than anything. It took every ounce of my willpower to remain quiet and not say your name. You would've heard me even if I didn’t yell. You were that close to me. I thought for sure the pounding of my heart would give me away. I wanted to lean forward and whisper your name. Perhaps I should have. I wanted you to turn towards the sound and smile when you saw it was me, for real. To see me in the flesh, within an arm’s reach of you. To watch your eyes light up as you recognized me. I wanted to go to you, to hug you, and to kiss you. I wanted to show you how sorry I was. For everything and to let you know I would never let you go again. It was then that I remembered that you hate me, and that you don’t want to see me, or talk to me ever. EVER. I wanted to cry, but I was strong (or was it weak) and I didn't. Not on the outside anyway. My heart was so sad in that moment. As my head and heart struggled, I watched you, I couldn't stop myself. Watched you circling the arena, speaking to your cohorts and other people – I was so jealous then. Jealous that it wasn’t me you were speaking to. I was angry. Angry at myself for NOT following my heart the very first time we talked and for not rushing to meet you. Angry that even then at that moment, I didn’t have the courage to make myself visible to you. Frustrated at the way I, no, at the way we handled our disconnection. Mostly, I was very sad, heartbroken even. I watched you take your seat in the arena, and I watched as you proceeded to tweet your tweets, and snap your snaps. I was enthralled with watching you. Memorizing every detail of that moment, from your facial expressions to the clothes you wore. Wondering if you were wearing any cologne, or if you had some of your crazy socks on, or how you were doing, or if things were going well in your life, if you'd watched any good TV shows, or movies, on and on these thoughts and many more rushed through my head. I was consumed with thoughts of you. Lastly, I wondered if you’d thought about me at all, even once, and I found myself hoping/wishing that you have/had. I also realized that I had forgiven you long ago. And I hadn’t realized how much I missed you. Even though we weren’t friends for long, I thought of you as a good friend, and I missed (no, I miss) you.
It’s not often that I’ve come across people in my life who speak the same language as I do, who like the same things, and are passionate about them. You know the ones, they're the ones who should be, no who we're meant to be forever friends with, the kindred spirits, and my anam cara.
I am so sorry for any pain and or heartache I have ever caused you. I only want the best for you. I hope you can (or already have) find it in your heart to forgive me.
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