Reality check
I really do my best to be a person who puts myself out there. Ya know? To be real and authentic and vulnerable. Because why not? Life is short. What do I have to lose, right? Well, I'll tell you... first, I must forewarn you...if you're looking for a positive post from me today, just keep scrolling...
I have a friend. We've been friends for at least a year. We've never met, face-to-face but have talked regularly, like every day regularly. I would consider them to be one of my best friends. Someone I confided in and told my secrets to. Someone who I didn't have to pretend about who I am. Someone I truly would do anything for. Then all of a sudden, just like that, they tell me they've been lying about their name. Which, I can understand, really I can. Keep yourself safe from psychos, creepers, losers, and weirdos, I get it. I really do. But, with me? Was everything I thought about you a lie? Am I a psycho, creeper, loser, or weirdo? Didn't it ever cross your mind, at some point w/in the past year, to mention it? Just a simple, "oh hey, my name is really Xxxxx. I'm just cautious." Anything along those lines. But no, I get nothing for a long time. So long, that now, it hurt. It hurt real bad when you told me. I mean, it really crushed me. WAY more than I thought it would. I cried. I cried a lot. And then, after I was done crying. I told my friend, I still loved them. And I would always be their friend. And that I understood. In my heart, I forgave them.
I am weary now. I don't want to trust anymore. I know it's a ridiculous thought. And for me, it's not even really possible. I sometimes wish I wasn't as kind, trusting, forgiving, and loving as I am. Just sometimes. I'm feeling quite tired and broken today.
I have a friend. We've been friends for at least a year. We've never met, face-to-face but have talked regularly, like every day regularly. I would consider them to be one of my best friends. Someone I confided in and told my secrets to. Someone who I didn't have to pretend about who I am. Someone I truly would do anything for. Then all of a sudden, just like that, they tell me they've been lying about their name. Which, I can understand, really I can. Keep yourself safe from psychos, creepers, losers, and weirdos, I get it. I really do. But, with me? Was everything I thought about you a lie? Am I a psycho, creeper, loser, or weirdo? Didn't it ever cross your mind, at some point w/in the past year, to mention it? Just a simple, "oh hey, my name is really Xxxxx. I'm just cautious." Anything along those lines. But no, I get nothing for a long time. So long, that now, it hurt. It hurt real bad when you told me. I mean, it really crushed me. WAY more than I thought it would. I cried. I cried a lot. And then, after I was done crying. I told my friend, I still loved them. And I would always be their friend. And that I understood. In my heart, I forgave them.
I am weary now. I don't want to trust anymore. I know it's a ridiculous thought. And for me, it's not even really possible. I sometimes wish I wasn't as kind, trusting, forgiving, and loving as I am. Just sometimes. I'm feeling quite tired and broken today.
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