SupaChan's Words

Life is really full of ups and downs. Everything will be going great, then all of a sudden BAM!! WTF was that? Am I right? I suppose it's just the universe's way of presenting opportunities. Then based on our action/reaction we have either a positive or a negative experience. I mean, I understand this concept and such, I just don't like when the result is such a downer.

My mantra today is - I am so fucking done with being a good friend!!! FUCKING DONE! 

Today I'm struggling with staying focused. I keep thinking about things from the past. Moments when someone I really care about said really cruel things about me to me. All this time I thought I'd forgiven them, but I don't think I have. I just can't let it go. Should I? The things said to me were truly damaging and hurt me, all the way to my core. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I honestly don't think I can. Some of these things were said to me years ago, like 5 or more. I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget. Is that wrong of me? What do you do when someone intentionally (yes, intentionally - they admitted to that later) damages your self-esteem and self-worth? Do you forgive them? Do you forget it happened? Do you forgive AND forget? I'm really having a hard time w/this one peeps.

What do you do when you feel discouraged? When someone tells you all of your efforts have been for naught. When you feel so devalued and worthless by the one person you love most. When you honestly don't feel as though you'll ever be good enough. And no matter how hard you try or how you continue to do things differently, you're just not enough. And no matter how amazing of a job you think you're doing, or all of the little things that aren't noticeable because they are little things, but they add up. Then they just come back and tell you that you haven't done anything at all. And you feel like total shit, like shit on their shoes they'll just wipe on the grass before they walk away. And you just want to wallow in your sadness and cry. The giant crocodile tears. It's days like today when I could really, really, REALLY use a giant hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

I really do my best to be a person who puts myself out there. Ya know? To be real and authentic and vulnerable. Because why not? Life is short. What do I have to lose, right? Well, I'll tell you... first, I must forewarn you...if you're looking for a positive post from me today, just keep scrolling... I have a friend. We've been friends for at least a year. We've never met, face-to-face but have talked regularly, like every day regularly. I would consider them to be one of my best friends. Someone I confided in and told my secrets to. Someone who I didn't have to pretend about who I am. Someone I truly would do anything for. Then all of a sudden, just like that, they tell me they've been lying about their name. Which, I can understand, really I can. Keep yourself safe from psychos, creepers, losers, and weirdos, I get it. I really do. But, with me? Was everything I thought about you a lie? Am I a psycho, creeper, loser, or weirdo? Didn't it ever cross your...

Do you all remember my post about seeing someone in an arena? Well, recently there is a new employee at my work who has the exact same name as the person that story was about..because of this I get to see their name, a lot.. like every single day. As if not thinking about them wasn't already hard enough.....