SupaChan's Words

 I know, I know, it's been a while since any of you have heard from me or since I've posted anything of any significance whatsoever. What can I say, 2020 was one hell of a decade, going from bad to worse and so on. Even with all of the awful and loathsome things that occurred last year, I still have reasons to be grateful. I still have my job AND have been able to work at home full time since March 11th of last year. My oldest daughter graduated from high school; talk about an unusual graduation ceremony (graduating class of 2020 in the middle of a pandemic). I'll do a post another time of that fun fiasco!! I get to spend oodles of time with my dearest loves - my family. Money spent on gas is WAAAYYY down. The last one I'll mention is my dog is so happy now. Someone is almost always here and the longest time he is ever alone is maybe 4 hours. Last year I was able to finish 46 books, awesome, right? On the home front, we were finally able to get my library done! It is no...

As we come close to the ending of the first month of a new decade, I've yet to finish writing out my new goals for the new decade. I think I have some good ideas though, and am ready to create my vision board. How about you? Do you create a vision board? Do you write your goals down? Put them on note cards? I'm always eager to hear about other ideas for goals. One of my goals last year was to read and as you know, I blew that one out of the water! LOL. This year, in addition to reading new books, I plan to re-read some of my favorites. I've already read 3 of my faves this year and January isn't even over yet! 😊 Well that covers my thoughts for today so have a good one! ✌

At the beginning of this year it dawned on me that I haven't/hadn't been reading as much as I used to and I didn't know why. I told myself, it was because 'I didn't have time'. Which I knew was a lie. A small insignificant and minor lie and only to myself, but still... I remembered how much I LOVE reading and was disappointed in myself. I decided then that I was going to read. I started out with a small goal. A goal I knew I could easily obtain. Read 6 books this year. Just 6. Then I'll be back in the habit of reading and could read more next year. I'm happy to say/report that as of today, I've read 30 books!! And updated my goal to 45! The time was there all along, I was just wasting it on other things. Pick up a book, read it, pick up another, read it, and repeat. :D

I'm feeling much better than I was when I last posted. That was definitely the roughest day I've had in a long time. To my one follower, thank you for caring. :) QOTD: The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

Went to see Star Wars, The Last Jedi a couple of times over the weekend... It was good. I liked it. There were a couple of parts that were just meh, but overall it was a good movie and I'll probably go another couple times at least. Got some 'hanging out with parents' time in which was nice. It's kind of challenging and sad hanging out with my dad. He has something called normal pressure hydrocephalus (NPH) and one of the symptoms is dementia... basically, he asks the same questions over and over again. It's definitely a test of patience. After they leave or I leave or whatever it looks like he calls me, to thank me. Then 5 min later, he calls again, to thank me. And then 5 min later, he calls again, to thank me.. you get the idea. It's really hard because he was such a strong powerful man. Seeing him 100% reliable on others...it makes my heart saddened. Just a bit.

Today I'm struggling with staying focused. I keep thinking about things from the past. Moments when someone I really care about said really cruel things about me to me. All this time I thought I'd forgiven them, but I don't think I have. I just can't let it go. Should I? The things said to me were truly damaging and hurt me, all the way to my core. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I honestly don't think I can. Some of these things were said to me years ago, like 5 or more. I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget. Is that wrong of me? What do you do when someone intentionally (yes, intentionally - they admitted to that later) damages your self-esteem and self-worth? Do you forgive them? Do you forget it happened? Do you forgive AND forget? I'm really having a hard time w/this one peeps.

What do you do when you feel discouraged? When someone tells you all of your efforts have been for naught. When you feel so devalued and worthless by the one person you love most. When you honestly don't feel as though you'll ever be good enough. And no matter how hard you try or how you continue to do things differently, you're just not enough. And no matter how amazing of a job you think you're doing, or all of the little things that aren't noticeable because they are little things, but they add up. Then they just come back and tell you that you haven't done anything at all. And you feel like total shit, like shit on their shoes they'll just wipe on the grass before they walk away. And you just want to wallow in your sadness and cry. The giant crocodile tears. It's days like today when I could really, really, REALLY use a giant hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

I went to a creative writing class earlier this evening. And ya know, I really liked it. I mean it wasn't like a super official gig w/a professor or anything like that. But I did learn a few things and I did jot down a few things that I think were received by the audience well. Perhaps I'll share them on here w/you, my one follower and you can read it and form an opinion about it.

I feel like it's been forever since I blogged last so I have a few things to say. Over the past month, I've had some absolutely amazing and incredible experiences as well as a few completely heartbreaking ones. Because I'd like to leave you today with positive thoughts, I'll start with the heartbreaking experiences first. 1. I have (had) a friend, I'll call him A (yes, for my 1 follower, it is the same A) whom I haven't talked to for almost a year who called me out of the blue. I was totally ecstatic and overjoyed that they reached out to me after so long. Talking with A was fantastic, but I knew in my heart it was too good to be true. My intuition was correct (sadly) and that brief amount of time was all the time I had. That's the heartbreaking part. The positive part is that I was able to apologize profusely and let A know how I feel. 2. Now I must forewarn you, this next bit is extremely sad and horribly tragic so if you can't or don't want to han...

I've had a few amazing dreams since last time I posted, but I will leave it that seeing as how they are NSFW if you know what I'm saying... 👿 ~~ My so-called real life has been pretty amazing lately. I've been able to really connect with one of my friends and am feeling very happy as a result. It's so nice to have someone I can talk about anything with and be myself around. Thank you C! ~~ One true friend adds more to our happiness than a thousand enemies add to our unhappiness. ~Marie Dubsky, Freifrau von Ebner-Eschenbach