SupaChan's Words

Life is really full of ups and downs. Everything will be going great, then all of a sudden BAM!! WTF was that? Am I right? I suppose it's just the universe's way of presenting opportunities. Then based on our action/reaction we have either a positive or a negative experience. I mean, I understand this concept and such, I just don't like when the result is such a downer.

My mantra today is - I am so fucking done with being a good friend!!! FUCKING DONE! 

Life was so much easier when I was young. The friend I was reconnecting with turned out to be a deceiver and caused so much unwanted drama and hurt feelings in my life and in their own. Granted, I'm not innocent of wrongdoing, but I should not have trusted this old friend. Ya know, I have this problem quite often. Why am I so trusting? Why? The end result is someone's feelings getting hurt. Usually mine, but sometimes other peoples as well. So what do I do? Do I continue to be the kind, trusting creature I am, or do I change? Do I build an impenetrable wall around myself and my heart? It is a good time to start making resolutions being a new year and all. I just don't know. I don't think I can wall myself up, deny my nature and true self... Definitely, have some things I gotta work on though. Number one is to focus on the people I love and the ones who love me. It's much easier on my heart and on theirs that way. I have some other ideas.. overall I just want to ...

I was informed of some very frustrating and difficult information today... and as a direct result, am now questioning my parenting. I'm definitely feeling like I'm not a very good parent, and that some of my choices - where I've been saying for 2 years that I am doing this for my kids are coming into question. I feel like I've made a huge mistake.... I feel lost and lonely. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this/these feelings and I don't know what to do.

Today I'm struggling with staying focused. I keep thinking about things from the past. Moments when someone I really care about said really cruel things about me to me. All this time I thought I'd forgiven them, but I don't think I have. I just can't let it go. Should I? The things said to me were truly damaging and hurt me, all the way to my core. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I honestly don't think I can. Some of these things were said to me years ago, like 5 or more. I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget. Is that wrong of me? What do you do when someone intentionally (yes, intentionally - they admitted to that later) damages your self-esteem and self-worth? Do you forgive them? Do you forget it happened? Do you forgive AND forget? I'm really having a hard time w/this one peeps.

So as I was perusing Instagram I came across my horoscope. And it happens to be bizarrely fitting for today. I mean, it's remarkably accurate. What the F??

What do you do when you feel discouraged? When someone tells you all of your efforts have been for naught. When you feel so devalued and worthless by the one person you love most. When you honestly don't feel as though you'll ever be good enough. And no matter how hard you try or how you continue to do things differently, you're just not enough. And no matter how amazing of a job you think you're doing, or all of the little things that aren't noticeable because they are little things, but they add up. Then they just come back and tell you that you haven't done anything at all. And you feel like total shit, like shit on their shoes they'll just wipe on the grass before they walk away. And you just want to wallow in your sadness and cry. The giant crocodile tears. It's days like today when I could really, really, REALLY use a giant hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

I feel like it's been forever since I blogged last so I have a few things to say. Over the past month, I've had some absolutely amazing and incredible experiences as well as a few completely heartbreaking ones. Because I'd like to leave you today with positive thoughts, I'll start with the heartbreaking experiences first. 1. I have (had) a friend, I'll call him A (yes, for my 1 follower, it is the same A) whom I haven't talked to for almost a year who called me out of the blue. I was totally ecstatic and overjoyed that they reached out to me after so long. Talking with A was fantastic, but I knew in my heart it was too good to be true. My intuition was correct (sadly) and that brief amount of time was all the time I had. That's the heartbreaking part. The positive part is that I was able to apologize profusely and let A know how I feel. 2. Now I must forewarn you, this next bit is extremely sad and horribly tragic so if you can't or don't want to han...

I really do my best to be a person who puts myself out there. Ya know? To be real and authentic and vulnerable. Because why not? Life is short. What do I have to lose, right? Well, I'll tell you... first, I must forewarn you...if you're looking for a positive post from me today, just keep scrolling... I have a friend. We've been friends for at least a year. We've never met, face-to-face but have talked regularly, like every day regularly. I would consider them to be one of my best friends. Someone I confided in and told my secrets to. Someone who I didn't have to pretend about who I am. Someone I truly would do anything for. Then all of a sudden, just like that, they tell me they've been lying about their name. Which, I can understand, really I can. Keep yourself safe from psychos, creepers, losers, and weirdos, I get it. I really do. But, with me? Was everything I thought about you a lie? Am I a psycho, creeper, loser, or weirdo? Didn't it ever cross your...

Do you all remember my post about seeing someone in an arena? Well, recently there is a new employee at my work who has the exact same name as the person that story was about..because of this I get to see their name, a lot.. like every single day. As if not thinking about them wasn't already hard enough.....

Have you ever just been getting along with someone famously and as far as you know things will continue to be great? And all of a sudden, just like that, BAM! The other person says they can't do it, or they don't want to be friends anymore, or for whatever fucked up reason they're done. And just like that, poof - they're gone from your life. That's when the internal dialogue begins - what did I do wrong? Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Something I didn't do? Something I could've or should've done? And the questions go on and on and on! And you don't get any closure. And it hurts!! Fuck it hurts!! At least with closure, it's easier to just let it go and be done with it. Without closure you're left wondering, analyzing, questioning every single detail of every conversation you EVER had with that person. It is my opinion that this is where/when I build a wall - or at least put a brick in my ever increasing wall. I leave a me...