SupaChan's Words

I recently acquired some tubes of lipsticks that used to be my grandmothers. Even though most of them are not colors that I would wear I find myself putting them on. When I do, I think of my grandmother giving me a kiss. What I wouldn't give for another kiss from her. 💕

My mantra today is - I am so fucking done with being a good friend!!! FUCKING DONE! 

Life was so much easier when I was young. The friend I was reconnecting with turned out to be a deceiver and caused so much unwanted drama and hurt feelings in my life and in their own. Granted, I'm not innocent of wrongdoing, but I should not have trusted this old friend. Ya know, I have this problem quite often. Why am I so trusting? Why? The end result is someone's feelings getting hurt. Usually mine, but sometimes other peoples as well. So what do I do? Do I continue to be the kind, trusting creature I am, or do I change? Do I build an impenetrable wall around myself and my heart? It is a good time to start making resolutions being a new year and all. I just don't know. I don't think I can wall myself up, deny my nature and true self... Definitely, have some things I gotta work on though. Number one is to focus on the people I love and the ones who love me. It's much easier on my heart and on theirs that way. I have some other ideas.. overall I just want to ...

I was informed of some very frustrating and difficult information today... and as a direct result, am now questioning my parenting. I'm definitely feeling like I'm not a very good parent, and that some of my choices - where I've been saying for 2 years that I am doing this for my kids are coming into question. I feel like I've made a huge mistake.... I feel lost and lonely. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this/these feelings and I don't know what to do.

Today I'm struggling with staying focused. I keep thinking about things from the past. Moments when someone I really care about said really cruel things about me to me. All this time I thought I'd forgiven them, but I don't think I have. I just can't let it go. Should I? The things said to me were truly damaging and hurt me, all the way to my core. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I honestly don't think I can. Some of these things were said to me years ago, like 5 or more. I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget. Is that wrong of me? What do you do when someone intentionally (yes, intentionally - they admitted to that later) damages your self-esteem and self-worth? Do you forgive them? Do you forget it happened? Do you forgive AND forget? I'm really having a hard time w/this one peeps.

It is with a saddened, heavy heart I make a post today. Last night I had such a hard time falling asleep and then staying asleep. It wasn't until late this afternoon that I realized it may have been because of the tragedy taking place or about to take place in Las Vegas. I can't even understand why anyone would ever harm anyone, let alone mass amounts of innocent people. My heart aches for the families and friends who lost loved ones. My deepest sympathies to their loved ones. My message today is simple, hug your family, hug your friends, hug all of those you love and care for. You never know when it will be your last moment together, your last chance to tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love them, how glad you are that they are a part of your life, and whatever else you feel you should share. ~~~QOTD~~~ I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I ...

What do you do when you feel discouraged? When someone tells you all of your efforts have been for naught. When you feel so devalued and worthless by the one person you love most. When you honestly don't feel as though you'll ever be good enough. And no matter how hard you try or how you continue to do things differently, you're just not enough. And no matter how amazing of a job you think you're doing, or all of the little things that aren't noticeable because they are little things, but they add up. Then they just come back and tell you that you haven't done anything at all. And you feel like total shit, like shit on their shoes they'll just wipe on the grass before they walk away. And you just want to wallow in your sadness and cry. The giant crocodile tears. It's days like today when I could really, really, REALLY use a giant hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

I feel like it's been forever since I blogged last so I have a few things to say. Over the past month, I've had some absolutely amazing and incredible experiences as well as a few completely heartbreaking ones. Because I'd like to leave you today with positive thoughts, I'll start with the heartbreaking experiences first. 1. I have (had) a friend, I'll call him A (yes, for my 1 follower, it is the same A) whom I haven't talked to for almost a year who called me out of the blue. I was totally ecstatic and overjoyed that they reached out to me after so long. Talking with A was fantastic, but I knew in my heart it was too good to be true. My intuition was correct (sadly) and that brief amount of time was all the time I had. That's the heartbreaking part. The positive part is that I was able to apologize profusely and let A know how I feel. 2. Now I must forewarn you, this next bit is extremely sad and horribly tragic so if you can't or don't want to han...

I really do my best to be a person who puts myself out there. Ya know? To be real and authentic and vulnerable. Because why not? Life is short. What do I have to lose, right? Well, I'll tell you... first, I must forewarn you...if you're looking for a positive post from me today, just keep scrolling... I have a friend. We've been friends for at least a year. We've never met, face-to-face but have talked regularly, like every day regularly. I would consider them to be one of my best friends. Someone I confided in and told my secrets to. Someone who I didn't have to pretend about who I am. Someone I truly would do anything for. Then all of a sudden, just like that, they tell me they've been lying about their name. Which, I can understand, really I can. Keep yourself safe from psychos, creepers, losers, and weirdos, I get it. I really do. But, with me? Was everything I thought about you a lie? Am I a psycho, creeper, loser, or weirdo? Didn't it ever cross your...