SupaChan's Words

At the beginning of this year it dawned on me that I haven't/hadn't been reading as much as I used to and I didn't know why. I told myself, it was because 'I didn't have time'. Which I knew was a lie. A small insignificant and minor lie and only to myself, but still... I remembered how much I LOVE reading and was disappointed in myself. I decided then that I was going to read. I started out with a small goal. A goal I knew I could easily obtain. Read 6 books this year. Just 6. Then I'll be back in the habit of reading and could read more next year. I'm happy to say/report that as of today, I've read 30 books!! And updated my goal to 45! The time was there all along, I was just wasting it on other things. Pick up a book, read it, pick up another, read it, and repeat. :D

I recently acquired some tubes of lipsticks that used to be my grandmothers. Even though most of them are not colors that I would wear I find myself putting them on. When I do, I think of my grandmother giving me a kiss. What I wouldn't give for another kiss from her. 💕

Last night I had a pretty intense sexual dream... again... about a female co-worker/ friend... the same woman I had a sexual dream about not too long ago...we were sitting at a table chatting and enjoying each other's company. Completely innocent and such... both of our hands on the table, fingers slowly gravitating towards each other. Eventually our pinkies connected, just the slightest brushing of skin. Then a little more, as if our pinkies had a mind of their own fully wrapping around each other. We kept talking, holding pinkies for a while longer. Once again, and feeling outside myself, our fingers began drawing little circles in each other's hands. Next thing I know, her hands are on my cheeks, pulling my face to hers and she kisses me. Just a soft and light kiss. She starts to talk as if to apologize, I quickly stand up, and lean across the table and kiss 💋 her back. Opening my mouth ever so slightly blocking any possible way for her to continue with an apology. Quite t...

So one of my dreams last night was pretty cool. I was up at one of the resorts in my home state (Utah). I think it was Brighton, but it was different..you know how dreams are.. I was walking along the snow near the parking lot looking up at the lifts. Decked out in my snow gear and carrying my board. It was a beautiful day! The sun was out, the snow was perfect, people were wandering around, laughing and just enjoying the day. I was so at peace, it was just perfect. I looked ahead and saw kids throwing snowballs at each other and laughing, people sitting on benches tightening their boots. As I looked closer I began to study their faces, I saw they were friends or people I've known or been acquainted with over my life. Each one offering me a smile or a nod. Some were very good friends that would stop and tell me something that made me laugh, but still, I kept walking. I haven't felt that much at peace for a very long time. It is dreams like the one from last night that make me g...

Life is really full of ups and downs. Everything will be going great, then all of a sudden BAM!! WTF was that? Am I right? I suppose it's just the universe's way of presenting opportunities. Then based on our action/reaction we have either a positive or a negative experience. I mean, I understand this concept and such, I just don't like when the result is such a downer.

My mantra today is - I am so fucking done with being a good friend!!! FUCKING DONE! 

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.  ~Evelyn Dunbar

Life was so much easier when I was young. The friend I was reconnecting with turned out to be a deceiver and caused so much unwanted drama and hurt feelings in my life and in their own. Granted, I'm not innocent of wrongdoing, but I should not have trusted this old friend. Ya know, I have this problem quite often. Why am I so trusting? Why? The end result is someone's feelings getting hurt. Usually mine, but sometimes other peoples as well. So what do I do? Do I continue to be the kind, trusting creature I am, or do I change? Do I build an impenetrable wall around myself and my heart? It is a good time to start making resolutions being a new year and all. I just don't know. I don't think I can wall myself up, deny my nature and true self... Definitely, have some things I gotta work on though. Number one is to focus on the people I love and the ones who love me. It's much easier on my heart and on theirs that way. I have some other ideas.. overall I just want to ...

I'm feeling much better than I was when I last posted. That was definitely the roughest day I've had in a long time. To my one follower, thank you for caring. :) QOTD: The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

I was informed of some very frustrating and difficult information today... and as a direct result, am now questioning my parenting. I'm definitely feeling like I'm not a very good parent, and that some of my choices - where I've been saying for 2 years that I am doing this for my kids are coming into question. I feel like I've made a huge mistake.... I feel lost and lonely. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this/these feelings and I don't know what to do.